day one of thankfulness.

Day One of Thankfulness:

I am THANKFUL to be back in school, pursuing my dream to not only teach, but to love and care, and make a difference in the lives of children.  I did not get into this profession because I absolutely love the idea of children learning; granted, it's amazing to see that 'light bulb' moment. The real reason that I want to be a teacher is because it has chosen me.  It was decided a long time ago that my heart would yearn to show love to those that needed it in their most vulnerable times, but also in their most triumphant times as well.  It was decided a long time ago that I would want to show those who think they can't, that they can.  It was decided a long time ago that I wanted to make a difference, even if it was just to one person.  And then that's when I decided that I wanted to leave the world better than I left it.

Despite the long nights and bags under my eyes, not knowing if I'll actually see the light and giving up any and all fun, I am THANKFUL that I am back in school. 

Teaching Post

I've had a blog for awhile now, that has been dormant for some time now; so it is nice to put it to use again. : )  I think that a blog can be very useful for a classroom and hope to implement one when I become a teacher. 
I always thought I wanted to be a middle school Special Education teacher, but my feelings and thoughts have changed.  I am leaning towards 1st or 2nd grade, still in Special Education, however, my thoughts still might change as I continue in this program.  I love anything that has to do with history or cultures.  I have always loved traveling and learning about the history and culture.
I've known from an early age that I wanted to be a teacher, especially a Special Education teacher.  My mother has been a para my entire life, and I've been around people with disabilities since I was born, and knew that I wanted to teach people with disabilities.

sunset.

I wanna run away with you at sunset.....

hospital.

I'm sitting here in the hospital as sounds of the KU game echo in the background; I look at my dear friend laying in the bed and whose hand I have been holding much of the day.  Every so often he wakes up and put his arms out as a way of telling me that he wants a hug.  As I bend down to give him one, he whispers "I love you."

You see, this dear friend that I talking about it not like you and I.  In fact, there hasn't been a day in his life that he hasn't seen adversity; strange looks; suffering and challenges.  He is incredibly special.  And I feel lucky to know him.

He has his own family, but they have very little interest in his life.  To him, those of us sitting around his hospital bed are his family.  If you could see us now you wouldn't think we looked anything alike, but if you looked much deeper than that, you would realize that we do.

I have always known that my life would be spent helping people like my dear friend find a better way of life; a sense of meaning in this world the rejects them; and love; but it has never been more clear than today they are, in fact, helping me.

fight another day.

Even when your heart's been broken
He'll be there with His arms wide open.
Be strong and His love will lead you to fight another day.
--Addison Road

one of those days.

They say that time can heal anything, but I wonder how much time they are talking about.  Nothing has gotten easier; if anything, time has made everything more real and more painful.  I'm starting to wonder if this old adage holds any truth to it.  Does time really heal anything?  Or do we just get used to the fact that things are never going to be the same?  Will the pain really go away?  I have found no comfort in time. It hasn't told me that everything is going to be okay.  It hasn't handed me a tissue when I'm crying.  It hasn't promised me that tomorrow the pain will be gone.  If anything, it has slowed down to the point that I find myself begging the clock to turn to the next minute.  Time has not shown me it's mercy.  Yet.

Despite all of this, and my willingness to forgive Father Time, I know that I will be okay. Eventually time will be my friend again, but until then, it's just 'One Of Those Days.'

i. love. fall.

everything i love about fall....

pumpkin spice latte. pumpkin pie. pumpkin bread.  pumpkin muffins.  pumpkins.  sleeping with my windows open.  snuggling under the covers.  jogging with a long sleeve t-shirt.  sweaters.  leggings.  cool, crisp mornings.  bath and body works leaves candle.  colors of the changing leaves.  falling leaves.  apple ciders.  caramel apples.  thanksgiving.  october.  the farmers market.  bond fires.  extra blankets on the bed.  homemade soups.  red, orange, yellow, brown. wearing my slippers around the house.  walking my dog.

Plans.

I'm wondering how much you are missing me right now.  Or if you have even thought about me today.  I have no idea how you and I have gotten to this point.  When did it go from being so passionate about each other to thinking about giving it all up?  I don't understand why love is not enough.  It should be enough; it should sustain two people during the times when everything else seems around them has become difficult and out of reach. 

I can still remember the first time that we met; I have NEVER been so nervous in my life, scared that I was about to meet my future; the man that God had created for me to love the rest of the days of my life.  I remember seeing you in Chicago at my brother's wedding.  It was like a dream when you were standing there in front of me; that was the very moment I knew I loved you. 

My feelings for you have not wavered but somehow our relationship has. There is no easy way around it now.  I am begging God for answers; but only hear the noises of grasshoppers outside my window.  They offer me nothing more than a quick distraction from all the thoughts running through my head.  I can't stop the constant of drops coming from my eyes any more than I can stop the leaves from changing colors in the Fall. 

I know that God has a plan for my life; He has a plan for your life; but what plans does He have for us together?

Need You Now.

" Now, this is all that I am; here with my outstretched hands.  Cause I really need you. I know that I need you now."  --Addison Road, "Need You Now"

I sit here.  Weak. Defeated. Brokenhearted. Scared. Alone.

I don't understand You.  I don't know what You want me to do.  So I sit here in silence. I hardly know what to say to You.  I do know that You understand my tears; You understand my heart. 

You have NEVER failed me before.  I need You.  Now. 

Even when I feel this way, I have never felt more loved by You. 

2 Timothy 1:9

For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from before the beginning of time - to show us his grace through Christ Jesus. --2 Timothy 1:9

Two Weeks.

Only two more weeks until Peru!!  We had a missions dinner tonight to get to know everyone better, and my heart was starting to get very hopeful of what is in store.  These next two weeks are going to fly by and I hope that I can prepare myself and my heart for the joy that God is going to bring.  Praying that I am ready for this adventure.

Sick.

Been sick the last couple days.  Going to get back on the horse, in reference to my blog, tomorrow.  You can expect something profound.  Life-changing.  Earth-shattering.  Or something not so epic.  Either way, just except a blog : )

Captivating Women.

An excerpt from "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge:

"You are a woman.  An image bearer of God.  The Crown of Creation.  You were chosen before time and space, and you are wholly and dearly loved.  You are sought after, pursued, romanced, the passionate desire of your Fiance, Jesus.  You are dangerous in your beauty and your life-giving power.  And you are needed.

As a woman who had been ransomed and redeemed, you can be strong and tender.  You speak to the world of God's mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship.  You are inviting, you can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of your life as well as your need for more because you are safe in God's love.  You labor with God to bring forth life--in creativity, in work, in others.  Your aching, awakened heart leads you to the the feet of Jesus, where you wait on him and wait for him. The eyes of his heart are ever upon you.  The King is captivated by your beauty.  

We need you.  We need you to awaken to God more fully and to awaken to the desires of the heart that he placed within you so that you will come alive to him and to the role that is your to play.  Perhaps you are mean to to be a concert musician or a teacher.  Perhaps you are meant to be a neurologist or a horse trainer.  Perhaps you are to be an activist for ecology or the poor or the aged or the ill.  You are certainly called to be a woman, wherever else he leads you.  

And this is crucial, dear heart.  Whatever your particular calling, you are meant to grace the world with your dance, to follow the lead of Jesus wherever he leads you.  He will lead you first into himself; and then, with him, he will lead you into the world that he loves and need you to love."

Attitude.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.  --Charles Swindoll

Peru is quickly approaching.

I'm headed to Peru in less than a month!  I haven't been as excited as I thought I would be; I think the fact that it was months away it didn't make it seem realistic.  But now that I only have weeks left until I leave, the excitement that I was expecting is setting in.  God has been more than faithful to me, and shown His love for me and His Kingdom in enormous ways!!  I can't even imagine what He has in store me for; I know that I am going to walk away with so much more from this experience than anyone that I meet.  It's funny how a "missions" trip works; you go to serve others, show the love of Jesus, expecting that they will walk away with Eternity set in their hearts, but much of the time, the exact opposite happens.  In fact, the ones that go to show the love of Jesus, are actually the ones that get shown the love of a King in ways they never thought possible.  As much as I am looking forward to serving, I am, selfishly, looking forward to having His love revealed to me in deeper way.  : )

Praying for Patience.

I had absolutely NO patience tonight. None.  I'm not really sure why; I have no good reason; I just didn't have any.  It was not a pretty sight, or enjoyable for anyone.  I'm praying for better patience tomorrow.  Because I feel sorry for anyone that run into me when I'm having an off day.  

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. --Jeremiah 29:11


What a beautiful reminder.  I needed that.  A lot. 

Long Overdue Blog.

This blog is long overdue.  I have failed to blog for the last 4 days as some of my faithful followers have made known to me, several times.  There has been a lot going on.  My grandma's funeral was on Thursday.  It was a very beautiful service; it defined her Christian faith in a lovely light.  Sad to say, I was not as close to her as I would of liked to be in her later life, but I never doubted that she loved the Lord.  She suffered from Alzheimer's, and robbed her of the ones that loved her.  I cannot tell you how relieved I am that she is not longer in pain, and her mind is perfectly restored.  She is reunited with a husband that that she waited until Eternity to meet again.  


During her eulogy, as my aunt gave an account of her life; there was a part that I never knew about my grandma, and what kind of woman she was.  My grandpa served in the military, and was to be stationed in the Philippines.  Just days before he was set to leave, my grandma took a train across the country to Washington, where my grandpa was, married him, watched him get shipped off, and returned home, to wait for him.  To wait for him for 4 years!  I cannot even fathom that.  It's hard enough for me to wait for my special someone for 3 weeks, and we get all of the benefits of technology.  The only thing my grandma had to hang on to was to wait for a letter.  She continued doing this until he returned safely 4 years later.  I cannot even imagine how much strength, courage, patience, and FAITH it took.  My grandma completely relied on the Lord to pull her though.  What an amazing test of faith.  My prayer is that I can have that kind of faith.  She left a beautiful legacy.  I sit here and wonder what people will say about me when I go Home.  I hope that people look back on my life, and first and foremost, see the love that I have for the Lord.  I could not think of a better compliment to my life.  


I have a lot of work to do...

Temporary Home.

Grab a Kleenex, and check out this video by Carrie Underwood.  SO good!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LraOiHUltak

Home Again.

Headed home tomorrow.  Very excited to see all of my family.   Despite the circumstances, I am looking forward to this.